The Reality of Expressing Emotions
I arrived home after a long five-hour drive from Vancouver, Canada. It was late and I was tired. I thought I would quickly check my email before heading to bed for much needed rest. There was a message from my “good friend” Thomas. Thomas, Andrew and I had been corresponding for over two years now. I was excited to see what he would have to say. We wrote to each other about our contemplations having to do with our spiritual journey and about life in general. Our conversation was lively and thought provoking. We felt we had developed a real closeness through our sharing and we called ourselves the CATs for our initials (Christine, Andrew, Thomas). But in this email, to my surprise, Thomas stated that he was welcoming in a new member to our group. I was outraged. How dare he? Why had he not consulted Andrew or me? I felt he had no respect for Andrew and me. What gave him the right to make such decisions all by himself? The group would no longer be the same. I felt he no longer found value in the group and that he was going to destroy it. I was raging mad!
Despite the lateness of the hour and my weariness from driving all day, I just had to write to Thomas and express the anger and hurt bursting out of me. I told him how I felt about his taking such an action without first asking Andrew and me. As I wrote, I poured out all the outrage that I had been holding for so long, into that email. I was so tired I could hardly see the screen but I felt I needed to express those feelings.
I spent over three hours composing that email, making sure that I was very exact in telling him how I felt. When I was finished, I reread it one last time and then was satisfied. The thought crossed my mind that maybe I should sleep on it, but my Inner Child was jumping up and down with joy to be able to express herself for a change and she encouraged to me send it that night. When I checked with my guides, they also said that it was what I needed to tell him. After only a slight hesitation, I clicked the Send button and then went to bed.
I was not prepared for what I would find as a response in the morning. Thomas wrote me a long and detailed reply, blasting me, explaining how I was unreasonable, rationalizing his actions, and tearing apart my words and feelings. He totally invalidated all my feelings and said that our friendship was over because I had destroyed it with my email. I was surprised to get such a response from him. I was shocked that he would think so little of our friendship to be willing to throw it all away in an instant. It was like a bomb had hit and the debris was raining down all around me. I sat there in tears, feeling devastated, trying to figure out what had happened.
Thomas, Andrew and I had met on our search for greater understanding of life’s mysteries. We read many of the same books. We held many of the same ideas regarding spirituality. We had attended many of the same workshops and retreats. We all three seemed to benefit from sharing our thoughts and contemplations on the great ideas of philosophy and mysticism. Recently, Thomas and Andrew had both become disenchanted with how their lives were heading. They each told me that they saw all their friends making lots of money and living carefree lives with all the luxuries that they dreamed of having and that they felt had been promised to them if they follow the spiritual path. They had spent their money on books and workshops. They had spent their vacations in retreats instead of with their families. Now they felt their time and money had been wasted. They said they felt that they had nothing to show for it. Well, they had nothing in the physical, three-dimensional world anyway.
Thomas had specifically told me that he wished to “get back to reality.” By this, he explained, he meant that he wanted togive up studying spirituality and mysticism and stop attending workshops, lectures, and retreats on such subjects.He told me that he wanted to spend his time making money, playing golf, going to concerts, and interacting with his son and other people. He considered joining a local church and he offered me his collection of books on spiritual subjects, most of which I already owned. I understood from his explanations, that getting back to reality for him meant living in three-dimensional society and having the physical comforts that money could buy. I, of course, respected his choice and did all I could to support him in it.
But, he constantly complained how he had been led astray with promises that never manifested. He blamed the writers of the books he read and the presenters of the workshops for his lot in life. He said that if he had not been taken in by all the false promises, that he could have invested his money wisely and saved his marriage. He also constantly contradicted himself by recounting new spiritual experiences that he was having and trying to discount and invalidate them in his explanation of them.
It was about this same time that I first discovered the Nibiruan Council and the fact that I would become a Galactic Counselor by the contract on my soul blueprint. As I became more excited in my pursuit of this new work, Thomas began showing his displeasure by throwing tiny sarcastic remarks my way when we would talk. I explained to him that I did not expect him to be interested in my new pursuit just because I was. He said that though he was not interested in it, he didn’t mind that I was. I decided not to speak of it with him unless he specifically asked me a question. He never asked me any questions about the Nibiruan Council but any time I mentioned something that came near that subject, he made derogatory comments.
Up to the time of my angry email, our friendship had been almost entirely based on the intellectual discussion of philosophy. We had not expressed many feelings and those that we had expressed were of course of the brotherly “love and light” variety. The one time I had dared to be the slightest bit upset towards Thomas, he had not spoken to me for several weeks. I felt there was little I could do about the subtle passive-aggressive attacks and sarcastic remarks about my interest in the Nibiruan Council and my continued spiritual search, if I wanted to stay friends with him. I stuffed those feelings of hurt and resentment and told myself that I was just letting his remarks roll off me like water off a duck’s back.
I realize now that I was trying to go to the higher perspective without first expressing and releasing the feelings that I had. I was not being honest with myself about what my feelings were. I felt manipulated, I felt disrespected. I pretended that everything was open and fine. I felt that it was “silly” to make a big deal about his little criticisms. Sure they hurt, but not that much. I was a big girl; I could take it. After all we shared our deepest feelings and thoughts in our contemplative discussions, although we shared them in an intellectual way. We knew each other well on many levels, didn’t we? So, what could we be hiding? Actually, Thomas and I barely knew each other on an emotional level. We always avoided getting anywhere near that. We avoided any thing that would bring conflict. We avoided anything that would give the appearance of being too close. If we could not discuss it and rationalize it, then we simply ignored it.
When Thomas’s email triggered my anger, I was not only raging at him about the new “member” of our group, but I was also raging and releasing all of these feelings of hurt and resentment that I had been stuffing as a result of his sarcastic insults and other hurts that I had collected over the months. My anger was out of proportion to the trigger because it was an expression of a lot more than that trigger. Also, because of the response that I got from Thomas, it seems to me that I must have also triggered something in him that had also been stuffed.
In writing this, it becomes clear to me, that neither Thomas nor I had ever been really open and honest with either each other or with ourselves about what we felt. He felt or at least expressed, aggression, hostility, resentment, and anger at my association with the Nibiruan Council. My impression is that he felt the need to reject his spiritual path and any other spiritual path that was similar to it. While on the surface, he told me that he thought what I was studying was interesting, his subtle expression of his hostile emotions showed that he was not keeping current with himself about his feelings.
I was afraid that I would lose Thomas’s friendship if I expressed my feelings of hurt and anger towards him. So, I stuffed my hurt and I denied my pain. My Inner Child was ready to blow them out as soon as the least opportunity presented itself. The email was too good an opportunity for her to pass up. Besides, as my guides told me, I really did need to express those feelings.
Thomas stated to me that he wanted to get back to reality. When I think about what reality is in relation to this story, I see that both Thomas and I were not real about our feelings. Instead of being open and expressing what we were feeling in the moment, we tried to hide our feelings from each other and from ourselves, remaining in our intellect.
Reality is not about living in three-dimensional society as Thomas thought it was. As children growing up, we learn that it is not ok to express anger or hurt. We learn to put up a façade. We learn to put on a happy face. We learn not to express feelings. We learn not to be real.
In becoming a galactic citizen, I am finally learning what it means to be real. I am real when I am honest with myself about what I feel. I am real when I stay current with my feelings, no matter what they are, no matter how much they hurt. I am real when I feel the feelings at the time they arise within me. And finally, I am real when I express my feeling as I honestly feel them.
Expressing anger and hurt at the appropriate time and place allows them to be expressed in perspective and in context. If I had been able to tell Thomas that I felt hurt by his sarcastic remarks, then I would have been honest and real with him. I could have then also been honest and real about expressing my anger about the new “CAT” member. I could have expressed that anger in context and in proportion to the pain I was feeling. I did not tell him that I felt hurt by his sarcastic remarks because I was afraid I would lose his friendship. In the end I lost it anyway because my feelings came out skewed and exaggerated. I can only speculate that if I had told him how I felt at the moment, that he may have been angry for a little while, but that we might still be friends. I will never know about Thomas, but subsequent situations have proven this to be the case.
Both Thomas and I are looking for “reality”. For a long time he was looking for it through his search for spiritual truth. He felt he did not find it there and so began searching for it where he sees most people getting their rewards. He is looking for reality through three-dimensional society in the form of physical prosperity. I have not heard that he has found it yet nor that he is happy in his search.
I, myself, am looking for emotional reality, which I believe is the true reality. I have found it. By being honest in a consistent way with myself about what I am feeling, I am able to stay in my integrity and express myself in an appropriate manner. Yes, I sometimes have conflict with others. But I know that it is ok and that we can work it out because we will be working on the current issue and not on a lot of old forgotten, stuffed issues.
Now that I am getting connected to my feelings and to my heart, the next step will be that my heart will become connected to the planet. Of course, what follows when the guides know my heart-connected address, is that they will start delivering that three-dimensional wealth for which I have been wishing and for which Thomas is also seeking.
In closing, I want to thank Andrew and in particular I want to thank Thomas for all the wonderful lessons, which they have unwittingly taught me, this being only one of many. In the past I have not found it easy to express what I was feeling when I felt it. Their inability to know what I was feeling and their unwillingness to let me express what I was feeling, was a great challenge to me to make sure that I could express what I needed to when I needed to express it. They showed me what happens when I stuff my feelings and what happens with those stuffed feelings when I am triggered. They most generously allowed me to rage at them in that fateful email and I am grateful for that.
I have learned that expressing my feelings honestly and currently is the most real part of reality. It is what brings real emotional satisfaction. I hope that next time you are tempted to stuff your feeling, or hide them from yourself, even the tiniest of them, that you will remember the real meaning of reality. The moral of the story is, if you want to find reality, look at what and how you are feeling.
About the Author:
 The names have been changed to protect the privacy of the persons in the story.