Finding my Abandoned Inner Child
By Christine Salazar
It is a beautiful day, in the autumn of 1984. The sun is streaming down on the sparkling golden leaves of the trees, with snow-capped mountains in the background of the picturesque town of Lucerne, Switzerland. That same sun casts a beam across the floor of my kitchen as I sit with my fiancé at the table discussing what we will have for dinner. It should be a simple decision but we have differing ideas and desires. I would like to have salad with lots of vegetables and cheese in it. He wants pasta with a tomato sauce and garlic toast. Both are tasty and appealing choices. After a short discussion, I give in and we decide to have pasta, the meal that he wants. After all, I do want to please him and make him happy. This is the man I have chosen to be my partner for, hopefully, the rest of my life. He is of course pleased to get what he wants.
I suddenly have this sinking feeling in my stomach. Everything inside me feels like it is twisting. I feel a great sense of loss and I want to cry. My whole body is screaming, “No, this is not right. Why do I have give up my choice? This is not good for me!” I surrender to the sense of giving up something within myself.
At that moment, I knew, with that simple decision, which, in itself might not seem significant, that I had given up something very precious. But, I had no idea at that time what it was. I only knew, with sadness, despite my choice to do so, that it was not right. It was only after many, many years of pain and learning that I finally understand that the sinking feeling I felt that day was the beginning of a long journey that is only now just coming to a conclusion. I was not only giving up my choice of what was for dinner but I was giving up my right to make such choices. I gave up my right to be me. At that moment, without knowing it, I abandoned my Inner Child.
I had just spent the previous eight or nine months beginning to feel centered and whole within myself. I had the sense of loving myself and not needing anyone else to validate who I was. I had been listening to my body and my intuition about what I should eat and I had managed after many years of being overweight to finally be slim and trim. I enjoyed the feeling of freedom and physical well-being. Life felt grand and I felt as if anything were possible. I felt I was standing in my power.
I met my fiancé in August of that year and I looked forward to spending my life with someone who shared many of the same philosophical and spiritual ideas of life that I had. It seemed like everything was perfect, until that horrible moment on that autumn day in my kitchen, when, as often, women do, I chose to give up part of myself in the relationship. Everything began to go down hill from that moment. I did not notice it much at first, but like many couples we began to argue. This is something that is usually thought of as normal in our society. Every couple has their little arguments. But I felt a sense of powerlessness, particularly every time I gave in to him or when I allowed him to “win” the argument.
Several months after we were married, I began to put on weight. I gained weight slowly so at first it was not noticeable. But after a while, my husband noticed and later our friends began to notice. All the while, we argued more and more. I felt increasingly defensive and I raged inside and out when I did not get my way. I felt like I was a two-year old having a temper tantrum. It was actually my Inner Child who was raging at feeling abandoned and neglected.
As the years went on, I did not want to feel this pain and anger anymore. I gained a hundred pounds of weight as my Inner Child tried to help me feel secure and protected. Understandably, my husband did not appreciate my expanded figure and we argued about the derogatory comments he made about how I looked. Little by little I totally shut down my emotions and I retreated into a protective shell where no one could touch me. I would not let anything get to me because it hurt too much. I had few friends and as my husband did not like to socialize we did not see many people. I felt that I grew apart from my husband and we each lived in our own little unhappy worlds, both of us medicating the pain that we reflected in each other. He medicated his with alcohol and I medicated mine by shutting down all my feelings.
Fast forward now, to April of 2001. After almost seventeen years of living as a recluse, having little contact with others, I began to get to know people on the internet. I had little confidence in my abilities to communicate with people or in the value of what I might have to say, so at first I said very little. After all, my Inner Child was totally scared and alone, feeling abandoned and rejected. But after a while I dared to say a few things that I knew were truth from my experience. People began to notice what I said and they began to seek me out and talk with me. I was surprised and shy but I enjoyed the conversations. Little by little, as people began to show interest in talking and interacting with me, I began to feel as if maybe I did have something of value to say, and maybe I, myself, did have some value. After a while, I started to do things and go places by myself; and I started to interact with people in person. In general, I started to take care of my own needs. I started to realize that I had the right to have needs and more importantly, the right to have them met.
As time went on, and I emerged from my shell and became more self-aware, I realized there was another part of me. That discovery led me to my Inner Child. I was unaware that I had an Inner Child until August 2002 when I read about it on the Nibiruan Council website. My Inner Child is that childlike part of me whose job it is to preserve my physical self. She tries to protect me from emotional pain and from physical harm. She communicates to me through the physical body by minor aches and pains as well as long-term disease and physical disorders. She is the one who lets me know when my needs are getting fulfilled or not.
I met Nicki, as she likes to be called, for the first time in January of 2003, in a session with a Galactic Counselor. Nicki came in with my guides and the first thing she did was to ask the Counselor if she was her Mommy? Nicki felt so abandoned that she did not even know who I was.
In October of 2003, someone asked me, if I remembered when I had abandoned my Inner Child. I thought about it for a moment and quickly realized that the moment was on that autumn day in 1984. This particular moment had haunted me since it happened. I always had the sense that I had given up something, though I never realized what it was until I was asked if I remembered. I had always felt a great sense of loss combined with fear and guilt. I had given up my right to have needs, which was almost like giving up my right to live as far as Nicki was concerned.
Like so many people, and in particular like many women, I gave up my right to have my needs fulfilled and to have them needs met at all when I entered the relationship with my fiancé. I, like many women, was taught to be a caretaker. My mother was a caretaker and took care of my father and us children before she took care of herself. I learned from her also to put other’s needs before mine. I lived in fear that someone would say I was selfish if I thought of myself first. As I describe above in this story, I felt, because of my upbringing, I had to fulfill the needs of my fiancé and disregard my own needs. I needed to allow him to have what he wanted for dinner and to allow him to have what he wanted in most situations.
Even though I was conditioned to take care of him first, I still felt uncomfortable doing it. I had just gotten used to taking care of myself for the previous few months so that to no longer do so was a shock. Over that spring and summer of 1984 when the incident took place, I had been taking care of myself and doing only what I felt like doing. I ate what I wanted and did everything at the time when I wanted. There was no one else in my life that was more important than me. There was no one else in my life who needed any kind of attention. In fact, I was happy to have it that way and did not wish for it to be otherwise. My Inner Child must have been jumping with joy. She was definitely not happy when I suddenly stopped taking care of her and moved my focus and care to someone else.
It was seventeen long years before I allowed myself to become aware of myself again and before I realized again that I was a person with needs. Realizing that I had an Inner Child has helped me to stay focused and aware of my needs. It has helped me get back in touch with my feelings.
Since I have “met” Nicki, we have started getting acquainted. I make sure that I spend time with her every day and discuss with her what she needs in the changing situations that we encounter. I also know that in critical situations that it is particularly important to consult with her and to consult her immediately.
In conclusion, would like that thank my ex-husband (who was my fiancé in this story) for the interaction that we had, that allowed me to learn this lesson. I abandoned my Inner Child to caretake him as is the custom in our society. Having had the experience for a short while of standing in my power and taking care of myself, the contrast of giving everything up for him was even more pronounced and more painful. I medicated my pain by shutting down my emotions. I have subsequently rediscovered myself by finding my Inner Child. Now, I know that I have the right in every situation to ask myself and my Inner Child what I need, and then figure out how to get it. I hope my story will inspire you to ask yourself when you abandoned your Inner Child and then help you to find and reunite with her (or him) again.
About the Author
Christine Salazar, Ph.D. is a Galactic Counselor with clairvoyant, clairaudient and clairsentient abilities. As a gifted psychic/intuitive counselor, Christine works with individuals to assist them with emotional clearing, healing relationships, and DNA Recoding. Christine's unique approach enables her clients to discover who they are, what they came to do and how to achieve it. Christine is multi-lingual in English, French, and German. She can be reached at (360) 867-1825. Email: firstname.lastname@example.org - Website: http://www.pearlsofwisdom.net and http://www.nibiruancouncil.com/html/christine_salazar.html